nomaDZ: David Goes Home! America the Beautiful!

We start with David enjoying one of his many vices: bourbon!

Disclaimer: No more censorship in this bad boy. There are a couple bad words in this post. I am also going to break this post up and put the second part up tomorrow...it's really long. Sorry.

Wow. My life has been pretty damn crazy since the last time I wrote in here. I went back to the greatest country in the world, the good ole’ US of A. I attended a good friend’s wedding. I ate copious amounts of Chipotle and other delicious American delicacies comme ça. I sat on airplane and guarantee I was the only person that could have lived on that thing for a month eating the airplane food and watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother and Community. Most importantly, I got to spend a lot of quality time with the people that I love, which was amazing, and a very welcomed and necessary reprieve.

It all started with getting on a plane out of Burkina Faso, which naturally started disastrously. I was taking a cab to the airport with my friend Emily…or at least that was the plan. I had set it up with the cab driver to show up at 8:00 PM. I called him again at 8:10 to ask where he was. He said he’d be there in 45 minutes. After bitching at him that this was unacceptable because I was going to the airport and not to a bar or something, I hung up, jumped on my bike, sprinted full speed to the road, grabbed a random cab and had four women and two daughters kicked out for the space (sorry ladies?), went and picked up Emily, and headed to the airport.

We got there and I checked in but Emily had to wait because her flight to Italy left an hour after mine. The Ouagadougou airport is roughly 1/3 the size of my high school with one gate, so there is limited space after you get through security. Anyways, I check my bags and head through the security checkpoint to find out that the bronze statues I had in my backpack were not kosher to bring onto a plane. I went back to the check-in line and ask to send the statues with my bags. Naturally I was outta luck. According to them, once it goes through, it does not come back out. I had left the line four minutes before. I was pissed, but luckily Emily was there, so I asked her to take them to Italy with her, give them to her parents, and then have them mail them to my house. It was a hassle, but it worked out, thank goodness. I still had to show up at a wedding, that the groom didn’t know I was coming to, without a gift. Eventually they made it there so everybody is happy.

Charger and USB port in every seat!

Eventually I got on the plane and was so pumped to see that I had about twenty seats all around me that were empty. How many times have you gotten on a flight and had empty seats all over the place?! I ate some airplane food and was pleasantly surprised, but compared to the six meals I can get here, it was a welcomed reprieve. When I arrived in France I overpaid for a cup of coffee after drinking too many free beers on the plane, and struggled to find a functional outlet to charge my computer. For such a huge airport that is internationally known, I actually thought Charles de Gaulle was a piece of crap. I was very overwhelmed when I was changing terminals and went up an escalator to a MASSIVE Dior store. There is not one store in all of Burkina Faso that was the size of the perfume section alone. It was insane. I eventually got on my Air Canada flight and enjoyed another row all to my lonesome. Things were going my way. I drank Molson’s galore and had another airplane meal. I arrived in Toronto, and went to the Air Canada terminal only to find out that my flight didn’t really exist. After about 45 minutes of arguing (more between Air Canada and Delta employees than involving me), we discovered that my flight was through Delta, which is apparently associated with Air Canada? Whatever. I made it onto my flight, where I did not get free beer, though it was international. It was thoroughly disappointing.

Finally I had arrived in the greatest country in the world. I thought about kissing the ground, but decided against it as I was the only person that had made the journey I did. With nobody understanding that I had come from Africa, they may have assumed there was something wrong with me. I was not about to be detained by TSA after arriving in the US. I was slightly disappointed that I did not get the obligatory “welcome home,” that everybody receives. Because I had flown through Canada, I went through their customs instead of ours… apparently that’s a thing? Canadians are nice, but they don’t understand our amazing American customs.

I was confused as to where my mother was because we had not communicated this beforehand. I did an awkward thing after getting annoyed with walking around doing nothing, aimlessly wandering and just hoping I would see mom’s car. I asked a lady sitting alone if I could use her cell phone. I have had people do this to me before. I am sure she thought I was going to steal her phone, especially since she dialed the number I told her instead of giving me the phone, and waited until my mother picked up before giving me the phone. I can’t say that I blame her… I looked disgruntled and like I had been living in squalor for the past-extended period of time, because I was. Anyways I got in touch with mom and all was good. On the way back from the airport we stopped at Chipotle and for the time being, I

National game! It was dog day at Nats Park.

couldn’t have been happier. Even while sitting in traffic on the mind-numbing 495 bends, I was very happy because just about everybody was obeying these weird things we call traffic laws. In Burkina, laws are really more of suggestions and disobeying them usually results in no penalties. This of course is not the case for white people. We, with our pockets laden with candy, gold doubloons, medallions, and treasures of the utmost value, will get tickets for looking at the light too long, or turning while white. I digress. Finally I had arrived at the wonderful Zamkov household where my burrito, a Budweiser, and a DVRed episode of Jeopardy awaited me. Talk about bliss.

Time at home was solid after that. I drank a lot of really good, overpriced beer. I watched live

Mmmm Dogfish Head and Raging Bitch

sports on TV and in person (watched Jayson Werth blow an awesome Nationals rally in the 9^th). I saw the Wizards dominate the Bulls and blow it against the Pacers. I went to a concert and truly made an ass out of myself like never before. I saw friends that I dearly missed and was treated quite well as, “the guy who just back from Africa.” I had forgotten how fun the little things were, like trivia night at a bar. It was also incredible to just sit on a couch, in air-conditioning, and watch television. I didn’t even think about how much I was sweating or when the next rain would appear. I was also able to be cold again. One night it was dreary and rainy, so I went outside and just stood in it for like ten minutes. My friend Mike was with me. He was not enjoying it, but the feeling of cold air filling the lungs was something that I did really miss. I even saw a couple snowflakes!

The reason that I came home (or the excuse that I used to justify coming home) was that my friend Riley was getting married. So, two weeks into being home, I jumped on a plane and flew into my second home, Louisville, KY. My former teammate and good friend Korey picked me up at the airport and I went straight to the ‘ole Ralph Wright Natatorium, or my old stomping grounds. I saw

Hanging at the Ralph with my old teammate Korey

many old friends that I missed and chatted with my old coach. I played on the trampoline and jumped in the water. I learned that I lost a significant amount of strength in Burkina, and am not really capable of doing the things that I could a couple of years ago. I landed pretty flat on my back when I tried to do a back 2-1/2 on the 1-meter board. I had no business trying something that hard anyways, but it was fun just to play on the boards and see the people that I missed.

We also got a nice game of pickup basketball going with a bunch of swimmers from the UofL team. Most of them I knew; a couple I did not. It was an absolute blast to play a sport that wasn’t soccer, and to be able to understand everything that was being said. I went bowling with Chad, my former roommate who I used to bowl with once to twice a week,

Greatest photobomb ever at bowling

Rachel who is Chad’s wonderful girlfriend, Kenny who is my former roommate who never went bowling with us despite my weekly beckoning, Ryan, my wartime consigliere and former roommate for a summer, and Morgan, my wonderful ex-girlfriend and sender of the world’s greatest gifts especially to a downtrodden Peace Corps Volunteer. The first game I barely broke 100. The second game I nearly broke 200. I guess I just needed a warm-up? Damn do I miss bowling.

Right, the wedding. Since Ryan lives in North Carolina and I live in Africa, we had to have a host when in Louisville. Chad stepped up for that one. We crashed at his place and then got up nice and early to the wonderful smells of pancakes and coffee (thanks Chad and Rachel!) and got on our way to the Bourbon Trail, the site of Riley’s bachelor party. We showed up a bit late to Woodford Reserve and missed the

Four Roses Distillery

tour, but this allowed for a nice surprise. You see, Riley did not know that I was coming to his wedding. Morgan finagled it with Mandy, Riley’s bride-to-be, that I was on the list as Ryan’s plus one. How sweet. So, when Riley and company came out of the bourbon tasting, who was waiting there with his long locks flowing and all? You guessed it; yours truly. He did a double take and was quite confused, so the surprise was a success. We spent the rest of the afternoon touring the Wild Turkey and Four Roses distilleries. Okay, we missed the tour of Four Roses but did make it in time for the free tasting…the only part I care about anyways. That night we went to Cincinnati and stayed at our former teammate Bandy’s apartment. He is in law school at Cincinnati and has an apartment just big enough to fit ten people in with minimal sitting room. We played poker and I won some money, and then Ryan, Scott (former swimmer), and I all headed to the casino, where Scott and I won some money, and Ryan lost some…quickly.

Mmmm Wild Turkey

Ryan and I headed back to Louisville in the morning and did the usual, drank and what not, before going back to Cincinnati the next day for the wedding! The ceremony was… long. Sorry if you are reading this Riley. It was long. 2 hours is a long time. It was really long…long. The party was fun though. Kenny, Ryan, Morgan, Lindsey (former diver), and I all drove together. We stopped into a McDonald’s along the way to the reception and got ice cream and coffee. They asked us if we were going to prom. We laughed…might have said yes. The girl behind the counter asked me where I got my cool wallet with opening change flap. The Peace Corps card works. The girl was definitely in high school though, so we moved on. This is not a Tucker Max novel. We got to the reception and drank as much Budweiser as possible in a short amount of time. When that party ended we went back to Cincinnati to some bar where I ran into a former Cincy diver! Small world, and she barely recognized me (despite it only having been about two years since we had seen each other), but it was still cool. Then we went to the casino again.

Ah, yes. I failed to mention that we had added a girl to our party. I don’t remember her name or much about her other than she was a bridesmaid… and she was of the legal drinking age. At this bar we indulged probably more than we should have. When we arrived at the casino, it was rather obvious that she had imbibed far more than she should of. We knew it, the curb she rested upon knew it, and the cop lazily riding by on a bicycle knew it. But it was impressive. It was certainly one of the better puke-and-rally performances I’ve seen. She brushed off the cop with remarkable poise, got up, and into the casino we went… before we promptly lost her. We noticed her lack of presence after probably thirty minutes. Then she magically appeared out of nowhere…before disappearing again. Scott, being the responsible type that he is (HAHAHAHA) had managed to get her phone number and we found out she had grabbed a cab home. Thank goodness. I lost a lot of money including my winnings from two nights ago and then a bunch on top. Scott lost a lot of money. Ryan lost a bearable amount because he had lost the last trip and wanted to stay right at the poverty line, not dip below it. Morgan made out pretty even, so she won the night. The cab driver on the way back to the hotel was Moroccan, so we spoke French for much of the car ride…it was probably really awkward for the others.

The next morning I woke up seriously lacking sleep and hungover as hell. I went with Ryan to the friends and family brunch, which was delicious, and then Ryan parted to NC and I went back with Morgan and Lindsey. Morgan and I chatted and caught up, and then I ate some really horrible for you fried chicken with Chad and Rachel while watching the Wizards beat up on the Bulls. We went to a bar that I guess has become popular since I moved away from Louisville. It was a dive bar with lots of pool tables and bar games and reasonably priced beer on tap, so I was happy. Many faces I hadn’t seen in a couple years showed up, so it was a great time. The next day Chad drove me to the airport, and it was back to the 301 for David.

I spent my last week cherishing Maryland and hanging out with my friends and family…and drinking as much good beer and eating as much Chipotle as I could cram down my gullet. My best friends growing up, Pat and Mike, and I all went airsoft warring, which was a lot of fun, and pretty exhausting. It was great, but infuriating when you get shot from behind painfully on the shoulder, turn around confused, and it is your own damn teammate, some eleventh grader, probably from Damascus, MD that doesn’t know up from right or some crazy guy that actually invented his own pellet grenade. Yes,

David, with an AR

that actually happened. I also visited the dentist and got five fillings in one trip. Turns out the dentist they sent me to at mid-service in Burkina was an idiot and never really filled in the cavities. Rather, he put a layer of cement over top and called it a day, costing the US taxpayers a bunch of money, and leaving my teeth in worse condition than before he worked on them. I guess bleaching your water is not good for your teeth. Who woulda thunk it? That cost me a bunch of money out of pocket and I was fearful that when I returned to Burkina the pain would still be lingering. You aren’t really supposed to go to the dentist when in the states. It is a long explanation, but it is very frowned upon. Luckily I was okay, and after a week my teeth no longer bothered me.

All of this America speak is pointless. Anybody who reads this knows what America is like, and that really is not the reason that I started this blog, nor why you are reading it, so I’ll move on…in my post tomorrow!